Swing Vote

Dear Shake and Bake,

"You are dancing too close to me." There, I said it. You know when we go out and everyone's had a few drinks and we're all having lots of fun showing off our moves? Stop copying me. I mean it. You think I don't notice that you're aping my movements two eight counts after I do them? This isn't a game of singing/dancing in round.

It really creeps me out and more importantly, the girls who are looking at me are bewildered because they can't figure out if I'm leading or following. You're hurting my game bro. Please stand at least five feet away, out of any obvious lines of sight. I'll teach you a few moves later if you want, just stop grooving so close to me on the dance floor.

Thanks,
Looking to Score

Playing Tag: Facebook Photos

Dear ___________,

Wouldn't it suck if those photos of freshman year when you had an extra 30 lbs and bad bangs ever saw the light of day? Or that junior high pic that prominently featured your as-yet-untamed unibrow?

I noticed you posted and tagged that picture of me on Facebook. I'm not thrilled with it.

Me

"I don't want to live with you next year"

Dear Roomie,

I could write a twenty page exegis on your failings as a roommate but I'd rather you spent that reading time cleaning your side of the house, washing those dishes (I rented a bio hazard suit for you. Please use, launder, and then return), and replenishing the food you've continually stolen from me. Yes, I noticed you took the peanut butter, even one fingerful at a time. I got the smooth just to preserve your fingerprints for the authorities. Also, your habit of bringing home guests with despicable personalities and an inability to aim into a porcelain bowl got annoying. And that's just the girls, never mind your male friends.

If you need a positive letter of recommendation for your next housing situation, I'd be more than happy to supply one. Anything to get you out of here. You have two days to give me the rent before I call the collection agency. And then your parents.

It's been a pleasure,
The guy who's always cleaning up after you

Facebook: There, I said It.

Dear ___________,

So sorry to hear about little Johnny's recent bout of colorful diarrhea.

While I sincerely hope that one of your friends on Facebook will have the remedy for you, please understand that some of us eat our breakfast while we read our news feed.

Thanks,
Your (Childless) Friend,
Me

Your boyfriend is...*yawn*

Dear ___________,

Let me preface this by saying that I think you're a great person and you deserve the very best. I know you don't want to hear this right now but he's just not good enough for you. I know you insist he's the nicest guy you've ever met, he's the most interesting guy you've ever met, and that he's absolutely a great catch. However, we've now hung out with him X times and it's been underwhelming each time. I'm playing limbo with my expectations but it's not working. He's not "just shy," he's boring. Seriously. It's your dating life, it's not charity. Please move on.

Future me told present me to tell present you. Future you will thank present me, even if present you is angry.

(Still) your friend,

_________

Customer Service Complaint 1

Dear ___________,

I have been a THEIR COMPANY customer for ______ years. So I hope you can imagine my disappointment when ______ happened recently. (NOTE: KEEP IT RELATIVELY SHORT - MAX 2 PARAGRAPHS IF YOU WANT IT TO BE READ).

To add insult to injury, I have actually referred new clients to THEIR COMPANY and stood behind THEIR PRODUCT/SERVICE, but this recent event has changed my opinion about you and makes me feel like you don't really care about your customers. Is that true?

I'm sure you know it's 7 times as hard to get a new customer than it is to keep a current one. I hope you will consider my loyalty as you deal with this matter. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Moi.
INSERT CONTACT INFO


TACT TIP 1: avoid putting people on the defensive if you're trying to get something done -- use words like "disappointed", "disheartened", "surprised", "hurt", "sorry" instead of more forceful words.. And remember you're leaving a written trail, so the more diplomatic you are, the better the results. If you wouldn't say it to a 10 year old or your grandma, it probably shouldn't be in a businessy letter (rule of thumb). Save the foul language and the anger management issues for your diary.

TACT TIP 2: remember to include your contact information -- you'd be surprised how many people write letters expecting a response and forget to leave that stuff.

TACT TIP 3: if you can, cc someone in the marketing department on customer service or product complaints- customer service departments deal with cranky customers all day long; marketing is more insulated. Also, marketing departments have an investment in keeping the brand name squeaky clean, and they are more likely to react/make sure you get a response.

Quittin' Time (Diplomatic)

Dear ___________,

It is truly rare to find a job you love. I have really enjoyed my time at ____________ (insert company name) and am more grateful for all that I've learned here than I can tell you.

At the same time, while it's been a very difficult decision to make, the fact is I have been presented with another opportunity that I just can't pass up. Please consider this my _______ weeks' notice. I am excited about making this next step in my career, and hope I can look forward to your support. Please know that I am committed to helping making the transition as easy as possible for everyone.

I have had an incredible experience here - I have nothing but good thoughts about our company and its future, and wish everyone the very best going forward!

Sincerely,

___________.