You're not fat. Ok, maybe you are, but DO something!

Dear ___________,

A friend gave me some great advice back in the day when I was complaining about my weight and saying some of the same stuff you've been saying a lot lately. She said "complain to me while you're on the treadmill!"

Good stuff, no?

Your friend,
___________.

Coworker Issue 1

Dear ___________,

Working with you at ______________ makes it a more fun place to be! That said, for our job security in this economy, I'm thinking we should probably chat a bit less during the workday? You have some great stories, but for the sake of my _______________ (insert reason you work- kids/mortgage etc) I've really got to socialize a bit less and get more done! So when you see my door closed from now on, I just wanted you to know what's up. See you at the holiday party!



Sincerely,
________________



ps. I know about hanging around talking by the watercooler, which is why I bring my own bottles of water these days.

Status of the Relationship

Dear ___________,

I've been having a great time with you. The thing is, if I ask my friends, the way you ______________ and _______________ indicates we're officially "together". But I don't want to assume anything before I go changing my Facebook status.

So are we (circle one):

in a relationship
just hooking up
just friends
none of the above
if so, please specify: _______________________

Thanks.

Your something or other,
me.

Listen, I Have Something to Say

Dear ___________,

I couldn't get a word in edgewise last time we talked so I wanted to tell you how I was doing. I'm doing ______, but ___________ and ____________. I know a lot's been going on in your life but it would be nice if you asked a question about me and then didn't immediately follow it up with an anecdote about you. I value our friendship but when I tried to tell you that I was cut off.

Love and kisses,

____________

Don't call me, I'll call you.

Dear _____________,

Tonight I changed your name in my cell phone to "Bad Idea". I think that sums it up.

Have a nice life!

___________________

He's Just....

Dear ____________,

Remember when we went to see He's Just Not That Into You the second it opened? Well, I was totally just thinking about you and ____________. Girl, he doesn't deserve you!

Let's not talk about him anymore, 'kay?

By which I mean... seriously. Stop.

LYLAS!,

___________

Intervention (basic)

Dear _________________,

This is an intervention.

I/we care about you enough to tell you that your habit of __________________ (e.g. saying "Cheers!", scratching yourself, burping words) is impeding your cool quotient.

You're welcome,
me.

(alternative: sign off "We, the undersigned...")

Baby/A Face Only a Mother Could Love

Dear __________________,

Your baby has a great personality.

Sincerely,
me.

note: this letter can be combined with the "Unsubscribe" template for removal from weekly/monthly photo digests of said baby's step-by-step progression through soft foods. Your baby doesn't like mashed carrots. We get it.

Unsubscribe

Dear __________,

Please unsubscribe me from your _________________ (example: honeymoon/travel photos, baby pictures, fundraising) mailing list. While I am thrilled for you that things are going so well, unfortunately I don't have the time to keep up with so many emails. I look forward to hearing about it in person (read: never).

Your friend (if you comply...),

_______________