Swing Vote

Dear Shake and Bake,

"You are dancing too close to me." There, I said it. You know when we go out and everyone's had a few drinks and we're all having lots of fun showing off our moves? Stop copying me. I mean it. You think I don't notice that you're aping my movements two eight counts after I do them? This isn't a game of singing/dancing in round.

It really creeps me out and more importantly, the girls who are looking at me are bewildered because they can't figure out if I'm leading or following. You're hurting my game bro. Please stand at least five feet away, out of any obvious lines of sight. I'll teach you a few moves later if you want, just stop grooving so close to me on the dance floor.

Thanks,
Looking to Score

Playing Tag: Facebook Photos

Dear ___________,

Wouldn't it suck if those photos of freshman year when you had an extra 30 lbs and bad bangs ever saw the light of day? Or that junior high pic that prominently featured your as-yet-untamed unibrow?

I noticed you posted and tagged that picture of me on Facebook. I'm not thrilled with it.

Me

"I don't want to live with you next year"

Dear Roomie,

I could write a twenty page exegis on your failings as a roommate but I'd rather you spent that reading time cleaning your side of the house, washing those dishes (I rented a bio hazard suit for you. Please use, launder, and then return), and replenishing the food you've continually stolen from me. Yes, I noticed you took the peanut butter, even one fingerful at a time. I got the smooth just to preserve your fingerprints for the authorities. Also, your habit of bringing home guests with despicable personalities and an inability to aim into a porcelain bowl got annoying. And that's just the girls, never mind your male friends.

If you need a positive letter of recommendation for your next housing situation, I'd be more than happy to supply one. Anything to get you out of here. You have two days to give me the rent before I call the collection agency. And then your parents.

It's been a pleasure,
The guy who's always cleaning up after you

Facebook: There, I said It.

Dear ___________,

So sorry to hear about little Johnny's recent bout of colorful diarrhea.

While I sincerely hope that one of your friends on Facebook will have the remedy for you, please understand that some of us eat our breakfast while we read our news feed.

Thanks,
Your (Childless) Friend,
Me