"I don't want to live with you next year"

Dear Roomie,

I could write a twenty page exegis on your failings as a roommate but I'd rather you spent that reading time cleaning your side of the house, washing those dishes (I rented a bio hazard suit for you. Please use, launder, and then return), and replenishing the food you've continually stolen from me. Yes, I noticed you took the peanut butter, even one fingerful at a time. I got the smooth just to preserve your fingerprints for the authorities. Also, your habit of bringing home guests with despicable personalities and an inability to aim into a porcelain bowl got annoying. And that's just the girls, never mind your male friends.

If you need a positive letter of recommendation for your next housing situation, I'd be more than happy to supply one. Anything to get you out of here. You have two days to give me the rent before I call the collection agency. And then your parents.

It's been a pleasure,
The guy who's always cleaning up after you