Your boyfriend is...*yawn*

Dear ___________,

Let me preface this by saying that I think you're a great person and you deserve the very best. I know you don't want to hear this right now but he's just not good enough for you. I know you insist he's the nicest guy you've ever met, he's the most interesting guy you've ever met, and that he's absolutely a great catch. However, we've now hung out with him X times and it's been underwhelming each time. I'm playing limbo with my expectations but it's not working. He's not "just shy," he's boring. Seriously. It's your dating life, it's not charity. Please move on.

Future me told present me to tell present you. Future you will thank present me, even if present you is angry.

(Still) your friend,

_________

Customer Service Complaint 1

Dear ___________,

I have been a THEIR COMPANY customer for ______ years. So I hope you can imagine my disappointment when ______ happened recently. (NOTE: KEEP IT RELATIVELY SHORT - MAX 2 PARAGRAPHS IF YOU WANT IT TO BE READ).

To add insult to injury, I have actually referred new clients to THEIR COMPANY and stood behind THEIR PRODUCT/SERVICE, but this recent event has changed my opinion about you and makes me feel like you don't really care about your customers. Is that true?

I'm sure you know it's 7 times as hard to get a new customer than it is to keep a current one. I hope you will consider my loyalty as you deal with this matter. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Moi.
INSERT CONTACT INFO


TACT TIP 1: avoid putting people on the defensive if you're trying to get something done -- use words like "disappointed", "disheartened", "surprised", "hurt", "sorry" instead of more forceful words.. And remember you're leaving a written trail, so the more diplomatic you are, the better the results. If you wouldn't say it to a 10 year old or your grandma, it probably shouldn't be in a businessy letter (rule of thumb). Save the foul language and the anger management issues for your diary.

TACT TIP 2: remember to include your contact information -- you'd be surprised how many people write letters expecting a response and forget to leave that stuff.

TACT TIP 3: if you can, cc someone in the marketing department on customer service or product complaints- customer service departments deal with cranky customers all day long; marketing is more insulated. Also, marketing departments have an investment in keeping the brand name squeaky clean, and they are more likely to react/make sure you get a response.

Quittin' Time (Diplomatic)

Dear ___________,

It is truly rare to find a job you love. I have really enjoyed my time at ____________ (insert company name) and am more grateful for all that I've learned here than I can tell you.

At the same time, while it's been a very difficult decision to make, the fact is I have been presented with another opportunity that I just can't pass up. Please consider this my _______ weeks' notice. I am excited about making this next step in my career, and hope I can look forward to your support. Please know that I am committed to helping making the transition as easy as possible for everyone.

I have had an incredible experience here - I have nothing but good thoughts about our company and its future, and wish everyone the very best going forward!

Sincerely,

___________.

Love is a many-splendered thing.

Dear ___________,

So happy to hear you're in love! In fact, I've heard it so many times that I almost feel like I'm in love myself!!! No, wait, that's not true.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm still single.


Thanks!
me.

You're not fat. Ok, maybe you are, but DO something!

Dear ___________,

A friend gave me some great advice back in the day when I was complaining about my weight and saying some of the same stuff you've been saying a lot lately. She said "complain to me while you're on the treadmill!"

Good stuff, no?

Your friend,
___________.

Coworker Issue 1

Dear ___________,

Working with you at ______________ makes it a more fun place to be! That said, for our job security in this economy, I'm thinking we should probably chat a bit less during the workday? You have some great stories, but for the sake of my _______________ (insert reason you work- kids/mortgage etc) I've really got to socialize a bit less and get more done! So when you see my door closed from now on, I just wanted you to know what's up. See you at the holiday party!



Sincerely,
________________



ps. I know about hanging around talking by the watercooler, which is why I bring my own bottles of water these days.

Status of the Relationship

Dear ___________,

I've been having a great time with you. The thing is, if I ask my friends, the way you ______________ and _______________ indicates we're officially "together". But I don't want to assume anything before I go changing my Facebook status.

So are we (circle one):

in a relationship
just hooking up
just friends
none of the above
if so, please specify: _______________________

Thanks.

Your something or other,
me.

Listen, I Have Something to Say

Dear ___________,

I couldn't get a word in edgewise last time we talked so I wanted to tell you how I was doing. I'm doing ______, but ___________ and ____________. I know a lot's been going on in your life but it would be nice if you asked a question about me and then didn't immediately follow it up with an anecdote about you. I value our friendship but when I tried to tell you that I was cut off.

Love and kisses,

____________

Don't call me, I'll call you.

Dear _____________,

Tonight I changed your name in my cell phone to "Bad Idea". I think that sums it up.

Have a nice life!

___________________

He's Just....

Dear ____________,

Remember when we went to see He's Just Not That Into You the second it opened? Well, I was totally just thinking about you and ____________. Girl, he doesn't deserve you!

Let's not talk about him anymore, 'kay?

By which I mean... seriously. Stop.

LYLAS!,

___________

Intervention (basic)

Dear _________________,

This is an intervention.

I/we care about you enough to tell you that your habit of __________________ (e.g. saying "Cheers!", scratching yourself, burping words) is impeding your cool quotient.

You're welcome,
me.

(alternative: sign off "We, the undersigned...")

Baby/A Face Only a Mother Could Love

Dear __________________,

Your baby has a great personality.

Sincerely,
me.

note: this letter can be combined with the "Unsubscribe" template for removal from weekly/monthly photo digests of said baby's step-by-step progression through soft foods. Your baby doesn't like mashed carrots. We get it.

Unsubscribe

Dear __________,

Please unsubscribe me from your _________________ (example: honeymoon/travel photos, baby pictures, fundraising) mailing list. While I am thrilled for you that things are going so well, unfortunately I don't have the time to keep up with so many emails. I look forward to hearing about it in person (read: never).

Your friend (if you comply...),

_______________